First Performed at Callater Lodge on Sunday 19th May 2013.
This is a recording and Transcript of the Poem.
I was asked by so many people to post it, that it would have been rude not to,
so here goes............
You can get a PDF Transcript of it here should you feel the need
The Video Link is here, IF you cannot see the embedded version below
Please NOTE... This does contain swearing, so if you are going to be offended by that I would suggest you neither watch it nor read it.
The full transcript is below ................................
TGOC 2013 – PHIL’S ODYSSEY POEM
By Andrew Walker
I went to see my analyst About a month ago
He said…”There’s NOTHING I can do for you
You’re gonna have to go.”
“There’s a train that goes from Euston
It’ll take you to Hell and Back.”
“Oh, and by the way, just so you know,
You’ll be carrying a FUCKING GREAT RUCKSACK!”
It had all begun the year before
In September of 2 0 1 2
When a call from Lambert had been taken
“Ah.. There’s a place on a trip for you!”
“I promise great views and Wall to Wall Sun,
And velvet like grass” he cries
“Sounds Brilliant Phil, I’d LOVE to come J”
Not knowing it was ALL BLOODY LIES.
So, we set off across BOGLAND
As the Wind and Rain drove in
“It’s ALL Phil’s Fault”, the group all cried
We’ll NOT go with him again.
Our feet were webbed, our clothing soaked through
There was NOTHING we could do
But wade yet another river
And empty out Boots and Shoes
It was Wednesday and the Skies were clear
We set off UP without a care
Upon the Tops were stunning views
Oh yeah, and H Y P O T H E R M I A
No fear, let’s bag another Top
You can see it just over there
Just need to drop down into Bogs and Hags
And 3 foot high fucking heather.
“Hang On! There’s a lovely river just down there
We could drop down and have a gander!”
Then walk along for Miles and Miles and Miles and Miles ………..
Of Never Ending Fucking MEANDER
We arrived at the Geldie and set up our tents
Though just hours, like days it had seemed
We had a snifter or two, then put our heads down
And in our tents we DREAMED ………. and dreamed and dreamed…OF HEAT!
And so we come to ‘Cheese and Wine’
And all things that make life fuller
Thanks in main though NOT to us
But that wonderful Mr Pooler
It was a plan, a cunning plan
That would have been just fine
Except WE had two missing parts
The CHEESE, and Yes ………. The WINE.
And so to Braemar, in we trudged
The rain it was firmly set
That nasty shitty Scottish Rain
Whose sole motive is to get you WET
We slithered and dripped into the Fife Arms
It was full of our friends in strife
It would have been rude not to stop for a beer
Suddenly ALL was Good in Life
A Cabin was offered for a nominal fee
An offer we couldn’t refuse
We dried out our kit, and then set off back
For an evening of chatter and BOOZE
And.. at the end of the day, we took Denis away
He was as we say ‘quite well watered’
We left him at Kates, we hoped that was right
See for Denis Watered means …… Slaughtered
It was CALLATER TIME
It’s a favourite of mine, an evening at Stan and Bills
Where a small group of reprobates, arrive in a queue
For an evening of friendship and thrills
The evening long, the whisky flows free
And Mick sings us into the night
For us all it’s a joy, mind you, we’ve all had a few
For normal folk, it would be a bit of a fright.
And now off to the coast, although NOT happened yet
ALL TOO SOON, it will be over and done
The horrors of wind, rain and bog all f o r g o t t e n now
And the photos will show ONLY THE SUN
The Challenge is over, The Blogs will be written
From our fingers Tales of daring will fall
And in September …….. we’ll ALL apply yet again